This morning, I turned over in bed and woke to Simba stretched out by my head, all warm and sleeping and shrimp-like as he curled in closer to himself. I watched him for a while, stroking his bitsy paws. When I touched his face, he tilted his chin back, but didn't wake up. Eventually, he moved his paw over his eyes as he continued to make little grunty sounds in his sleep. Eventually he woke up, somewhat abruptly, and then I continued to pet him until he started purring.

Some girls in TST and on my flist have been missing cats and having problems with their cats, and I think that, somehow, they're braver than I could ever be if my cats were sick. I honestly don't know what I'd do. When I lost my first cat, I cried for a week, even though he was a vicious little thing who nipped at my ankles. I loved him regardless. That time several years ago when I thought I lost Simba, only to find that he fell off the balcony onto the 8th floor below, I was ready to die inside. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him so fast.

Sometimes, I think about coming home and finding one of them just laying there. I've cried, going over that scenario in my head. It's bad of me, but I guess one part of it may be that I know that every living thing on this earth is going to die someday, whether I like it or not. I know they're going to leave me one day. I just don't want that day to come. I want them to be immortal. Over the years, I've dreamt of them dying. Or me protecting them. I've had horrifying nightmares about them.

When people argue that "oh, they're just animals", I can't find the words to say. How could someone say that? They're my pets. My little furry friends. My babies. I love them with every fibre of my being, and they are not just animals. A person who has never held their cats in their arms like I do mine could never understand how much of my heart they occupy.

Death is a strange thing. It gives me comfort for myself, and yet I'm also afraid of it. But everyone dies, even cute kitties. I suppose I just need to learn to accept it.

Hey, hey Americans. You know how you're always like BAWWW BUT IT'S COLDDDD IN CANADIALAND, DON'T EVER WANNA VISITTTTT. ( Well, this is what I wore today in NOVEMBER. )

This afternoon after leaving Rogers to unsuccessfully find more of Lost S1 on DVD and successfully find Juno for $9.99, I was approached by this guy from Red Cross who talked to me and asked if I would consider making monthly donations. I thought sure, why not, I could ask my mom to spare a few bucks once a month. That's like money I usually ask for LJ stuff. But I didn't have her credit card info on me, so he gave me his cellphone number (which is bordering on sketchy) and I'm supposed to call him later.

Problem: My mom doesn't want to donate anything. This happened last time when I agreed to donate for some other organization (the name is escaping me right now), and she said no and they called us for a million years and I never wanted to pick up. I mean, what's $5 a month? I know I don't have a job, but it's five dollars. Last week, she bought like 3 used DVDs, but this would be money going to help people. And she doesn't want to donate a cent?

Admittedly, yes, I shouldn't go around saying yes to every organization that asks me to donate because it isn't my credit card, and yes, I need to learn to say no. I'm like the opposite of Yes Man: I say yes to everything instead of no. But am I out of line here? Is $5 really too much to donate to the Red Cross? Yeah, we have other priorities. But that's like... the price of a paid account. Or two slices of pizza. Or a magazine. How is that a lot?

I don't get it. Maybe when I start making my own money, I'll get it, if there's anything to get. I just... don't know what to say. I'm like, irrationally angry? Or maybe rationally? Ughhh. To top it off, my mom installed/plugged in/whatever the term is a wireless router so she can connect to the internet from my comp, but a) it's making everything very slow, b) AIM doesn't even work anymore, and I have to use Meebo, c) Youtube doesn't buffer all the way, d) so many other things I won't go into.

I'm not sure if I should be happy she's not using my comp, or wish she could use it just so shit would not fuck up. I'm tired of computers. I'm tired of them screwing up. Why does technology always malfunction around me?

Okay this got way too long, shutting up now.

/sets trashcans on fire

I hate this.

I hate that I can't let go. What do I have to do to stop dreaming about you? How can I stop? You'd think they'd make me happy because I miss you so much, still do after so long, but instead they upset me every single time. Get the hell out of my dreams. I don't want you there. Seven years down the line, I'm fucking done with this. Just get out. Just get the FUCK OUT.

What makes matters worse is, you probably don't dream of me. Do you even think of me? The fact that I dream of you but have forced myself to stop thinking of you all the time means deep in my subconscious, I still want to care. But it's hurting me more than it's helping me get over you. How do I fucking get over you, Kat? How? What am I supposed to do; how do I accept that you're gone forever and I won't ever see you again? How can I stop being afraid that I'm going to bump into you or your dad on the street? Why did you reject my friends add from Facebook of all things? Shit, it's not like I asked you for your hand in marriage.

I'm so tired of hoping for something that will never happen. I don't want to hold on anymore. It hurts too much to keep hoping that someday, I'll see you again. And we can forget what happened. But if that can never happen, I want to forget. If I can't have you back in my life, I want you the fuck out of it.

Having you move and then push me away was torture enough. At least give me this peace of mind. Please.

Stop torturing me like this.

the How's My Driving? meme


WHY NOT, I THOUGHT.

In other news, I want to sleep all day. I don't want to record this stupid script, I don't want to go in to school to work on my comic strip, I don't want to go deposit this money into my account because I'm lazy, I don't want to chop up these tomatoes and lettuce for a wrap because, well, I'm FUCKING LAZY, I don't want my foot to hurt any longer, I don't want to go to photography class, and I don't want to read next week's Bleach chapter because Bitchigo needs to sit down for a second and let Shinji fight Aizen k.

Of course, this probably won't happen.

... I am still hopeful.

ASHDF;ADSHLH

SNOW IT'S SNOWING

... GRANTED IT'S MORE LIKE FLURRIES AND THE FLAKES AREN'T VERY BIG BUT

NNNNGHGHGH SNOWWWWWW

/RUNS IN CIRCLES

I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT I POSTED TWO CLAIRE DANES HEADERS IN A ROW, IT IS SNOWING AHHH

I know it's a tad too early to be thinking about this since we just learned about the assignment today and we're not really supposed to have anything in mind until next week, but. I have this assignment in Soundscapes where we need to take a game trailer or opening movie, rip out the audio, and create our own audio. He says we can use ambient music in the background, but we need to recreate the folio (sound effects) of whatever is going on in the video.

I'm really indecisive, and so far, this is what I'm thinking:

Final Fantasy IV DS opening
Chrono Cross opening
Heavy Rain trailer

... yeah, that's all I got.

On an unrelated note, my fingers have been cold for hours and it's difficult to type.\

EDIT: If I do end up doing the last one, I'm thinking of maybe doing it to this song, if Al lets me.

1) Create a graphic (200 x 200 max size) to represent your personal "candy". It should have your username on it, but otherwise can feature whatever you want. Make it something special since it's self-representative.

2) Make a post with the subject "trick or treat?". Put your "candy" somewhere in it, and be sure to repost these instructions.

3) Then, go around other people's LJs and reply to them with either "trick" or "treat". If you reply with "trick", they will give you an LJ dare that you have to perform before taking their candy. If you're too wimpy for that, simply say "treat" and take their candy.

4) List all your collected candies in your original "trick or treat?" post to show off your collection, being sure not to direct-link! (or not ... w/e!)


/LEERS AT

( can has candy!?!?? )

It's nearly nine o'clock, I've been up since 6, and I'm eating a giant Aero bar and drinking Coke. This is clearly an intelligent breakfast decision. I do say that I am terribly brilliant at deciding on things to eat. I promise I'm not always so much of a junk... well, junkie.

Last night I went to bed at 2 to regulate my sleep, which, really, is an improvement from not going bed until noon then sleeping until eight in the evening, which is basically what I've been doing for the past three weeks. Because of this, I've been skipping school to sleep and stressing myself out and I've been depressed for god knows how long, and this really has got to stop, so. I'm hoping with my four hours of sleep, I'll be tired by midnight tonight so I can go pass out.

This post had a point, but I forget it now, so instead I've give you some pictures. Hannah wanted to see my red pants, so I finally took ( a picture. )

And then my mom asked me to take some pictures of the pumpkin she did up for the contest at work, and it's really awesome so you should ( CHECK IT. )

Mmm... what else. Apps I'm working on:

@ silenthell_rpg
♠ Grimmjow of Bleach (nevermercy)
♠ Cybil Bennett of Silent Hill
♠ Alice Liddell (madcurious) (she'll come later)

@ capeandcowl
♠ Hexadecimal of Reboot (reigningchaotic)


Ones I'll need to start in the next few months:

@ theskytides
♠ Kana of Haibane Renmei (clockfish)
♠ Ichabod Crane of Sleepy Hollow


Ones I might want to redo/start:

@ Cheshire Crossing on IJ
♠ Hexadecimal/Lexa D. Cimalle (redo)
♠ Manah of Drakengard? maybe.


Horrible decisions, but really, I'm a masochist. Caitlin, should I still come to Dollsy? /undecided with the Cat

Well, so much for hoping that that Bleach spoiler wasn't real. Fuuuuccckkk this shit. Just saw the raws, and I'm not pleased at all with this development, and I would like to sodomize Kubo with a rake okay. With the pointy end. WHAT IS WITH THIS STUPID PLOTTING. IF SHINJI TRIES TO FIGHT GIN OR AIZEN CAN SOMETHING PLEASE NOT HAPPEN TO HIM.

/RAGES IN CLASS lhgfsljhgsljghfs

Oh, FML. Really. I don't know what I'm expecting next. KT has a habit of making fucked up plot twists and taking a really long time to do things and slice off left hands/arms and, well, just be general fail. /swears up a storm omg

God this Flash class is draining me.

On the plus side, a classmate of mine (Mike?) came in late and he had to play his guitar and sing as punishment. He didn't really have to, my prof was just joking, but it was awesome regardless hahaha. BUT ON THE NOT PLUS SIDE I tried to record my damn song last night, and that failed beautifully. Maybe I'll take out the equipment again on Friday in between classes.

... oh and I'm seeing Rachel Brice tomorrow, apparently. JESS THIS MAY MEAN I CAN'T GET TO YOUR PARTY s-so don't expect me. My mom sprung this on me like, yesterday, and she's had the tickets for a while but I completely forgot the date of the show.

Anyway, I've run out of things to say. I think my rage has stopped for the moment. But I'm sure I might go throw pillows when I get home. In the meantime, I will attempt to get through this class and my coding class later on. HOME AT 9, YEAH.

/sleeps on keyboard, zzz

I've gone and done it again.

I've applied to another game.

Fortunately this one isn't open yet so it gives me time to... idek. Do other things. Like not fail at life and school HOW 'BOUT THAT YEAH. I havvvee class at 2 so I've just been putzing around since 9:30, trying to finish my stupid Flash assignment BUT IT FUCKED UP and I don't know how to fix it so I'll have to ask my prof before submitting today, sob. And I finished Angela's app. It's kind of like self-cest except sorta not and it's only in the name and age. And... hair color. I am blessed to be devoid of emotional trauma from sexual abuse and having killed my father. Thank you baby jesus.

Oh, and the other day, you know what else happened? This. I've been toying around with the idea of apping Kid from Chrono Cross to TST for MONNTTHHHSS because I think she'd be so fucking perfect in this game but uh, I. Just got sidetracked I guess. Anyway, Kid won't happen for another little bit, since I need to canon review anddd yeah.

DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE PROBLEMS STOPPING THEMSELVES FROM APPING TO A BILLION GAMES WHEN THEY KNOW THEY CAN'T HANDLE IT. Please tell me I'm not the only masochist here. As it stands, I play the following muses: Lisa Garland, Other Mother, Lancelot, Unohana Retsu, Dinah (yes the cat shut up), Hirako Shinji, and Larsa Ferrinas Solidor. Can you say uh. Really strange roster of chars there. Soon Angela might be added on there, and I do want to app the Cat from Coraline at Dollsy eventually, since he's... a cat. Not too hard to handle a sarcastic cat, right? And then Kid might happen in the future. AND ICHABOD CRANE OH MY LORD

I need help.

Preferably in the form of a Vodka bottle, but I won't be too picky.

EDIT: Tagged by Amberrr for ( question meme~ )